Setting Boundaries: Healing from Trauma & Burnout
“Boundaries protect the things that matter.”
- Henry Cloud, PhD
WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
The term ‘boundaries’ has become somewhat controversial these days. Boundaries are being set by employees to get out of doing part of one’s job or as an excuse within a relationship when someone doesn’t want to do the hard work that is required. They are being abused in ways that are not healthy, but the root idea of setting boundaries is actually healthy and they are designed to keep us safe & to teach people how to treat us. For example, we can set an emotional boundary when someone is bullying us by saying, “I will not tolerate this treatment. Either you are kind to me or I’m going to walk away.” We can set a physical boundary by refusing a hug or a touch by someone with whom we are not comfortable. We can set time boundaries to ensure that we aren’t overdoing it and have the space for self-care. We can set boundaries for all sorts of things, but we are not to set them to control others or to dictate their behavior.
“Boundaries are, in simple terms, the recognition of personal space.”
- Asa Don Brown, The Effects of Childhood Trauma on Adult Perception and Worldview
BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS
Boundaries are designed to keep us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually safe. Boundaries look different from person to person, based on their personal needs, temperament & personality types, and current life status. However, boundaries in businesses where heavy machinery is operated, there are standard protocols dedicated to keeping employees safe. If you go the Real Stories page on OSHA’s (Occupational Safety and Health Administration) website, you will find horrifying stories of what can happen when folks don’t follow safety protocols, up to and including death. Obviously, these are worst-case scenario stories, but it’s a reminder of how important guidelines and boundaries are in keeping us safe. Personal boundaries are more nuanced and are situation dependent.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
MEET JONATHAN
Jonathan is an Iraqi war veteran who saw considerable combat during 3 deployments and currently works as an EMT and Firefighter. Jonathan developed PTSD after his last tour in the middle east and sought out counseling treatment when his drinking and anger started getting out of control. His counselor talked to him about boundaries, particularly surrounding digital content and social media. Jonathan began to scale back on violent TV shows and movies and curated his social media feed to exclude painful political content and posts by people who spewed hate toward the military and veterans. He found that the longer he went without taking in painful content, the better he felt. Jonathan found that the most difficult part of setting boundaries was dealing with folks who didn’t respect them. Many of his friends didn’t understand why he couldn’t watch certain movies and didn’t like that he had scaled back his drinking. He found that he was left out of many social events because his friends now saw him as the “party pooper.” Jonathan was deeply saddened by this, but also knew that he needed to maintain his boundaries for his physical & mental health. He regularly took in healthy content that supported his boundaries and validated his choice to back away from harmful activities. Jonathan also sought out new friends who shared his values and views on boundaries and living a healthy lifestyle. He slowly, but surely, began to heal and was so glad that he chose to set healthy boundaries for himself.
MEET JESSICA
Jessica is a social worker who has been in the field of foster care and adoption for 15 years. She has seen more than her share of abuse and trauma and it finally caught up to her. Jessica developed burnout and began struggling with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia symptoms after a particularly brutal case where she had to remove a child from a devastatingly abusive foster parent. She found herself exhausted all the time and even taking a walk sent her into a state of post-exertional malaise for several days after, feeling pain throughout her entire body. Jessica knew that she had to begin to set some boundaries to improve her health and to heal her nervous system. She began by setting time boundaries and wouldn’t schedule any activities past 7pm to ensure that she had adequate time to wind down before bed. She developed a less intense exercise routine and began walking only 15 minutes each day which was followed up by light stretching and a soothing body scan meditation. Jessica also considered her friends and who felt safe and supportive and who didn’t. She reached out to a dear friend who suggested they go for a hike at a local metro park and they could catch up. Jessica decided that a hike would be okay, as she’d been gradually increasing the distance of her walks and thought it would be nice to walk & talk. However, the hike proved to be too much and she ended up in a crash for 2 days. She was devastated when her friend unilaterally decided that the only activity she was willing to do with her anymore was go for a walk or hike. Jessica had to make the difficult choice to stand by her boundaries, knowing that anything less would be detrimental to her health. She sought out a counselor to process through the painful loss of the friendship and for validation that she was doing the right thing.
DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN EITHER JONATHAN OR JESSICA?
ARE YOU READY TO SET BOUNDARIES AND WORK THROUGH YOUR TRAUMA?
Begin Adult Trauma Counseling in Columbus, Ohio. You don’t have have to suffer any longer.