Trauma & Attachment Styles
Attachment
“Understanding your own attachment style can be a powerful tool for personal growth and improving your relationships.”
~ Amir Levine, author of Attached
ATTRACTION
Many of us have experienced that electric feeling of desire upon meeting someone to whom we’re attracted. Those tingly, giddy, flirty feelings let us know that there is something special about this person and we are drawn to them. It may be their looks, their personality, their knowledge, or their kindness. Whatever the attraction, it’s crystal clear that our bodies and brains are responding to them. That initial attraction is so much fun and it gives us energy and vibrancy like nothing else can. For some folks, meeting a potential partner is exciting and leads to a lifetime of a positive connection. For other folks, attachment is painful and leads to dysfunctional relational patterns that lead to conflict and often a breakup or divorce. Attraction isn’t the issue; attachment is the tricky piece that can lead to a lifetime of beautiful love or painful conflict.
“A secure attachment is the ability to bond; to develop a secure and safe base...”
- Asa Don Brown, The Effects of Childhood Trauma on Adult Perception and Worldview
4 ATTACHMENT STYLES
SECURE ATTACHMENT - Robert has dated many women throughout his life, mostly in his early 20s, and always enjoyed the chase. However, as he matured, he found himself desiring a stronger and longer connection that could lead to marriage. Robert is secure in himself and is comfortable being close to a partner and experiencing distance where they both are engaged in enjoyable activities that align with their values. He is okay with the distance and understands that not being connected to his partner 24/7 has no bearing on their love and commitment. Robert loves coming back together with his partner and talking about their separate experiences. He is thrilled to see his partner and to share in their mutual joy. He is equally comfortable with intimacy and spending quality time with his partner for hours, days, or even weeks at a time. Robert is confident not just in his relationship, but even more importantly, he is confident and secure in himself. He exudes a secure attachment style.
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT - Wendy just met Tom at a local bar and found herself attracted to him, almost immediately, and began an internal daydream of dating him, getting engaged, planning her wedding, marrying him, buying a house, having children with him, and growing old with him. This entire visualization took place within minutes of meeting Tom. Over the course of the evening, she was overly attentive to him and desperately hoped that he would ask her out. She noticed a few concerning characteristics about him, but quickly minimized those red flags. Wendy was sure that she could change him and any efforts to do so were worth it to have his companionship. Tom did ask her out, but quickly regretted his decision as he soon realized that Wendy was clingy, over-bearing, and wanted to be with him ALL.THE.TIME. She started talking about getting married within a week of dating, changed her Facebook status to “in a relationship” without discussing it with him, and told all of her friends to prepare for their impending wedding. Wendy represents an anxious attachment style that appears to stem from her insecure attachment to her dad, always desperate for his approval and love, never gaining either.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT - John was enamored with his neighbor whom he’d met at a few block parties. He found her attractive, charming, funny, kind, and intelligent. After chatting at several parties, he asked her out on a date. John was thrilled when she said yes and took her to a local restaurant where they ate, talked, and laughed for several hours. He had the best time and asked her out for a second date. They dated for several months when John began to pull away. They were both in their 30s and as their relationship got more serious, with conversations about the future, John became uncomfortable. He could not tolerate the vulnerability that came with their increasing intimacy and found himself avoiding her calls, keeping his distance, and changing the topic when she would talk about their future together. John has an avoidant attachment style that stems from fear of commitment after dealing with significant emotional pain when his parents divorced when he was 15 years old.
ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT - Samantha has always found it easy to find dates. She is engaging, attractive, gregarious, funny, witty, and the life of the party. Samantha was introduced to a wonderful man through a mutual friend and they both felt an instant attraction to one another. She found herself thinking about him after their first meeting and hoped their paths would cross, again. Unbeknownst to her, he felt the same way. They met, again, at a party hosted by their mutual friend and sparks flew. They began dating and Samantha found herself drawn to him in ways she’d never experienced before. She wanted to be with him all the time and found herself feeling anxious at the thought that something could happen to their relationship. However, Samantha would start to push him away when things got too vulnerable. She was fine with the initial attraction, but the intensity of their intimacy scared her to death. At the same time, she didn’t like the idea of being alone and felt a sense of emptiness when there was space between them. Samantha would vacillate back and forth between wanting to be overly connected to him and then freaking out at the closeness. They eventually married, but this pattern continued. She was hot and then cold and her husband was baffled and, sometimes angered, by her confusing behavior patterns. Samantha was displaying the most difficult attachment pattern of the anxious-avoidant person.
Secure Attachment
“Secure attachment and responsiveness is not just about being present, it’s about the feelings of safety and security you create with your presence.”
- J. Milburn @responsive_parenting
CONNECTION
As humans, we are wired for connection. Most people desire to be in relationships, particularly ones that lead to intimacy and commitment. But because of relationship trauma, some people struggle to connect in healthy ways and have difficulty feeling a sense of safety and security. Many children witness unhealthy relationship patterns in their parents that lead to conflict, or even abuse, which shapes the child’s view of attachment in damaging ways. Many children experience their parents getting divorced and find their lives upended and disjointed in ways that lead to negative belief patterns surrounding intimate relationships. While divorce is ubiquitous in the United States, it can still cause trauma and is a question on the ACE Quiz that helps to determine the level of childhood trauma and its link to worsening physical and mental health throughout their lifespan. For better or worse, our childhood informs our relationships and our confidence in vulnerability, intimacy, and experiencing true connection.
DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THESE EXAMPLES?
ARE YOU READY TO PROCESS THROUGH YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE?
Begin Adult Trauma Counseling in Columbus, Ohio. You don’t have have to suffer any longer.